CLAN.DES.TINE
Adjective - kept secret or done secretively.Synonyms - secret-surreptitious - undercover - furtive - privy.
Secrecy is as indispensable to human beings as fire and as greatly feared. Both enhance and protect life, yet both can stifle, lay waste, spread out of control. Both may be used to guard intimacy or to invade it, to nurture or to consume it. Sissela Bok
Quoted from John Bradsaw's book Family secrets - The Path to Self - Acceptance.
The dictionary gives three meanings to the word secrecy : intentional concealment; what is unknown; and what is yet to be discovered.
There are secrets in every family and the secrets come down through the generations, passed down and protected like precious heirlooms. In many families the stories surrounding the secrets die with our departed relatives. But the mysteries linger as furtively whispered speculations among grownups. These cleaned up PG versions teach children to regard certain family members as a little strange or off but they don't really know why.
We recently found out that a certain someone, a few generations back, had a baby out of wedlock and that the baby was adopted into the family by a close relative. No one talked about these circumstances and so the baby grew without knowing that aunt was actually mother. The mother was unable to express her love too much for fear of unintentionally disclosing the secret. The rest of the family were bound by the rules of don't see, don't feel, don't tell, and so the child grew with a feeling of something not quite right but never knowing what it was. The only logical explanation was that there was most definitely something wrong with them. They were unlovable - right?
Or the secret involving a father who became severely alcoholic and abandoned his family. Rather than live with the shame the children and community were told that he'd died overseas. The children of the alcoholic didn't understand why their father was not mentioned and their questions were not answered. After a while they stopped asking questions because of the angry responses and emotional abuse that usually followed. Two out of three siblings grew up to become alcoholic. The boys were constantly told they would be just like their father. As they grew, so did feelings of anger, confusion, fear and abandonment. As adults they fulfilled their mother's angry prophecy.
Alice's Aunt A was always sick and often fell. She wore sunglasses and cried for reasons that were never explained. Whenever Aunt A came to the house, Alice was sent out to play and her mother would get out the sherry glasses. Alice's mother said that she was confused and sad and the doctor had given her Aunt pills to make her feel better but she didn't feel better. She had accidents with knives and was hospitalized several times. Meanwhile uncle was very friendly with a blond lady. Alice's cousins didn't like the blond lady or any of the other ladies and did mean things to each other and themselves. They were disrespectful towards the ladies at every opportunity. Acting out a fierce loyalty towards their emotionally frail mother. Alice was afraid of them because they always teased her or locked her in closets. When Alice was older her cousin told her that she'd always been jealous of Alice because her mother was different. They said that Alice's mother cared about her and cooked for her and talked to her. Alice felt angry and confused.
So many secrets as varied as the people who lived them.
Questions to ponder:
What happens when we experience abandonment in early childhood?
Have or do you feel less at ease or uncomfortable with certain family members?
Do you like and trust your family members?
Do you choose to socialize with your family apart from the traditional family gatherings ?
So what - if every body's family has skeletons in their closets what's the big deal?
This journey begins with a dialogue.
There are several objectives for this blog: to identify the problem; to create an interactive forum encouraging people to communicate about their experience: and to write about the various solutions that are available.
Explanation.
The characters and families described above are comprised of numerous characteristics and behaviors I have encountered throughout my work and in my own family. The examples I use in the stories above are not a description of you or your family. However, you may identify with a particular example you read about because the similarities are familiar to you.
