What is worse than watching someone you love hurt themselves with substances, day in and day out?  Watching a loved one begin to recover and seeing them slip into an abyss of swirling consciousness and fractured sensibility. Staci stood still, hoping that the familiar dread rising up and constricting her throat would recede so that she could swallow hard and breathe.  Breathe in deeply hold and breathe out.  She counted breaths in and hold and out and hold, as she had been taught in group, until she achieved a rhythm that was satisfying, centering.  She could feel her heart pounding, yet she knew that if she continued breathing, focused on remaining calm she could stave off a panic attack. 
Steve was slouched against the couch, his cheek pressed against his right shoulder.  She watched, and listened to his labored breathing and imagined stiffness the crick in his neck might cause.  Although, a painfully stiff neck would not trump the general malaise of the full body hangover he would wake up to. Steve and Staci, the names went together, sounded good together she thought.  Why couldn't he be her Steve the fun guy she loved so very much.  Why did he turn into this other guy?  She watched a string of drool fall from his chin onto his chest.  This guy, she thought, doesn't care how he looks, or sounds; to her or anybody else.  This drunk guy drinks and drinks and wants the world to "f" off and leave him alone.  This guy wants to shut everyone who cares about him out.
Last night in group they had talked about relapse and how devastated  people feel when it happens to their person.  She noticed silent tears running down her cheeks they tickled her chin as they fell onto her top.  She breathed deeply to ward off the feelings of hopelessness that threatened to well up and overwhelm her.  Standing in the doorway, neither in or out of the room, Staci thought more about her group last night.  What had the tall women with the alcoholic son and father and ex-husband said? Brenda, that was her name, said that she couldn't help marrying an alcoholic because she was attracted to what was familiar to her.  And she realized that her son had grown up watching men drink.  Brenda, had been attending this group for over five years and had learned a great deal about herself.  Others in the group listened to what she said because they respected her kind, thoughtful and vulnerable perspectives about her struggles to regain control of her own life.  She often talked about her roles as a daughter, wife and mother to these men she loved and how she had been set up since childhood to care for them more than they cared for themselves.  She also talked about how she couldn't take care of herself when focused on them.
 Fiona or Fin, the facilitator listened and watched for reactions from the group.  She liked when seasoned members of the group like Brenda, helped newer people by sharing her own experience.  She knew of nothing more powerful than a person who had been through so much emotional pain in their own lives, telling others about how much better it can become with the gift of time and commitment to change.
Staci wanted to turn around and walk away and never look back.  She felt angry and stuck in the doorway neither in or out.......  To be continued.
 
 

How do I stop ....

Why can't I stop calling him to see if he's OK?
I often answer folks who ask me this question with these questions.
Why are you calling me?
What do you hope will happen or, what are you afraid has already happened when they don't answer your call?
Is your need to know what is happening with this person consuming your thoughts and actions?
When we are afraid that a loved one might hurt themselves or someone else we become afraid and protective of them.  It seems like the right course of action would be to help someone who is in trouble, wouldn't it?  In normal circumstances I would say yes, help someone out of a difficult situation if you choose to, except when it involves a person who is abusing substances.  The rules of engagement change because Substance Abuse Disorder (SUDs) is tenacious.
Once a person has become addicted to a substance it is impossible for others to stop them using.  Often they can not stop themselves from using without a serious intervention. This is because a compulsion to use, that is as strong as the survival instinct has taken over.  An old part of our brain called the Mid-Brain and neuro-chemicals  that create learning and memory become involved.  This survival mechanism  has enabled us to sort through what is good and will enhances survival and what is bad or dangerous, and could kill us in our environment.  Unfortunately, the brain is tricked into categorizing substances as good for our survival because they feel so good. 
The normal human interactions and other ways of helping are to no avail and I watch family members become desperate in their attempts at appealing to their loved one to stop life threatening behaviors.
I do encourage and help family members to coordinate interventions, such as, detoxing in a safe place.  A period of time without continued use of the substance/s, however long, will cause withdrawal.  While withdrawal is extremely uncomfortable, and can be dangerous in some cases the positive side of withdrawal is a person becomes increasingly able to make discerning life affirming decisions, as the substances leave the body and stop clouding one's judgement. Note that it is not necessary to wait until a person is completely down and out before offering help.  Outcomes are improved however, by willingness to accept help.
Education about what is, and what is not SUDs is valuable.  I encourage people to watch a video called, "Pleasure Unwoven."  It is an educational video shown in many treatment facilities that illustrates how the brain becomes addicted to substances.  Please feel free to comment and ask questions below.  Thanks.

Hey there folks, here we are two weeks before Thanksgiving!

Here are some of the questions and concerns that come up before the holidays:

Are you dreading going through the holidays with your addicted loved one?

Or, if your loved one is in recovery do you both dread facing family functions/festivities that include family rituals that do not support your recovery?

Are you tired of feeling obligated to fulfill other people’s expectations of you?

Do you feel alone, unappreciated, and as if no one listens to your opinions wants and dreams?

Do you shut down emotionally to protect yourself emotionally, when faced with difficult situations?

Do you want to change certain people, places and things?

You are not alone!  During this time of year, many people begin to feel anxious, while others fear and dread the holiday season because of painfully unpleasant memories and associations they hold.  Although you cannot change all of this overnight – there is always room for hope! 

You can begin to envision the kind of holiday you would like to have this year.

You can choose what you do, and who you share your time with this year.  

If you are in early recovery, with your loved one it is important to discuss and make decisions concerning the following issues:

Let’s start with Thanksgiving:

Where are you?  Meaning are you going to host Thanksgiving at your home this year? 

Who is with you?  Do you have children to consider?

What food are you or others cooking and eating?

Are you comfortable with alcohol in your home and on your table?

If not – whom do you need to notify that there will be no alcohol in your home?

How are you spending the day?

The evening and the weekend?

If you are guest at a family Thanksgiving meal, will there be alcohol served?  Are you comfortable with that?

Have you discussed and decided on an exit plan for when you need to leave a function?

Do you have something fun or meaningful to look forward to waiting for you at home?

Now let’s move on to Christmas:

Things to consider might be: 

What do you usually do on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and the following days or weekend?

What do you wish you could change this year?

Are you afraid to disappoint other people?

Think about these questions to see if the answers to any of them may be influencing your attitude towards the holidays.

You can respond with any comments or questions in an email to me.  This way you will not be revealing your identity on my blog.

Your Clan, My Clan, Everybody's Clan: Emotional and Physical Costs of Hiding Our Emotions

Emotional and Physical Costs of Hiding Our Emotions.

From an early age most of us are trained to hide our negative emotions. We’ve experienced receiving praise or positive reinforcement when we behaved well and punishment or negative reinforcement with emotional chastisement, disapproval, or shaming when we cried, showed anger, or other unacceptable emotions.  So instead of fully experiencing negative emotions, we developed a long list of strategies to avoid them – that still work for us today.  Some basic strategies include, talking ourselves out of it (whatever we are feeling), ignoring it, blaming someone else, getting busy doing something else, eat, drink, or call a friend. Consciously and subconsciously, we may have used many distractions and are adding new and improved ones all the time!  As a result, negative emotions are stored up inside, and are triggered in adult life by new negative experiences.

Our brain stores information – all information – from all our experiences.  It does not differentiate between the details of past and present experiences.  So, this is why we are triggered into feeling the same emotions and thinking the same thoughts when we are experiencing a situation that is similar to one/s from the past.  

Symptoms of Repressed Emotional Trauma.

Anxiety. Are you feeling anxious, even when you’re safe?
Something is missing. Relatively happy, just not quite fulfilled and in constant search.
Rage. You generally keep it together, but when someone pushes you over the border you respond with rage.
Depression. Totally stuck, no motivation and no idea how to get out from this “black hole”.
Lack of purpose. Do you feel you living just a half-life with no clear direction?
Feeling unworthy. In constant need for validation from someone else.
Isolation. Do you feel lonely, but safer when you’re alone?
Procrastination. Frozen by inaction and indecision, even when it matters most
Disease. Illnesses happens where the cells are blocked.

The important thing to remember here is that our brain has constructed these ego defenses to protect us.  That is to say that our brain stop processing information that is too overwhelming for us thereby creating less intensity for us to deal with.  That is why we often feel calm during a crisis.  Even though the storm is raging, we experience standing in the eye of the storm where it is quiet and peaceful and calm. 

The problem with repressing trauma is that we use vital life-force energy to keep our true feelings in check, or hidden.  We begin to feel emotionally disconnected from those closest to us.  Some folks describe this as numb or feeling dead inside although externally others see a smiling face.

This process has been described extensively by endocrinologist, Dr. Deepak Chopra, in his research of how the body reacts to emotional trauma. He discovered that if the emotion is not fully expressed, it causes various cell receptors in the brain to shut down. Over time this unhealthy process can become a major contributor on the creation of illness (emotional or physical).  The “illness” may be experienced as tension or pain in the body, stress or, unhealthy patterns of behavior.

Family members are often dismayed with their inability to control their emotions and reactions to a present situation despite their efforts and progress with their recovery practices.  One of the important things to remember when working on our recovery is to be gentle with ourselves.  As we gain a better understanding and acceptance of what has happened to us, we can consciously create healthier ways of living so that our recovery becomes a joyful journey. 

My prayer for all suffering family members is that they will progress in healing past trauma and begin to experience true joy in being fully emotionally alive today.